I read a very thought provoking post written by Lone Chantelaine...it's about where she's at in life right now, and how she feels about maybe never being pregnant by a man she loves.
Her post hit a note with me....because when I was her age I also have had that feeling deep inside within myself and then WHAM...it just welled up and came barreling out of me with a roar....And my whole life changed as a result of that single instinct or that single fear...Whatever you chose to want to call it.
I was around 41 years old at the time when I hit that proverbial midlife crisis....I had been married to my childhood sweetheart, who was my best friend more than anything else, because we weren't lovers that's for sure...None the less our friendship ran deep which made everything so much more heart wrenching.
For some reason, out of the blue I developed a yearning for something more from my life... At the time there wasn't any passion, or at least I felt like there wasn't, and I wanted to feel what it was like to be madly in love...Something that I had never felt before.
I was married at 19 years old...jeez how young was that? So tenderly young and with seemingly no place in the universe, that's how I felt even back then....I could never see where I was going or why I was going there...Life was so random for me.
All during my 30's and up until I was 41 I was intensely busy climbing the corporate ladder and I was climbing hard and I was relentless. Nothing mattered to me except my career...I was obsessed with being the best, and I was the best.
Having kids wasn't in the game plan, I kept saying to myself, next year....and another year would roll around and then I would say....next year...
Until that fateful time when something changed within the core of who I was.
To this day I reflect back on it and I wonder why....Why did I make the decisions I made, they were so wrong and so destructive, but like I said, I never could see where I was going and I could never see my place in this universe....random wondering.
That's all for tonight....for the first time I am finding the words to tell my story. I think its time to put it to paper and then perhaps maybe I will move on.
Until tomorrow....
Saturday, March 1, 2008
The Beginning.....
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2 comments:
What do you know at 19? So young. I got married at 22 and looking back I think THAT was too young. And the one moment I will never forget was in the delivery room when my son was born, looking up at my husband and thinking - "I wonder what this would be like with someone I was crazy about?"
I guess we all regret some of our choices (or a lot in my case). Why we took the paths we did ...
I'm not sure how we reconcile that stuff - but my personal opinion is - it helps to talk about it.
Brave post!
I'm so glad you wrote this :)
Nineteen is very young, so no wonder there were some choices you'd change if you could go back ad do it. I've made some of the same choices...or mistakes...depends on how one looks at it and who is looking at it. I wasted a lot of time...and a lot of myself.
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